Log in

No account? Create an account

Sep. 23rd, 2011

man and woman

In the Meantime

Dear Future Friends and Readers,

As I have been researching for my next posting, I have come across a lot of great advice and I thought I could put some of it together here to share with everyone. 

Since word has it that at least 50% of 1st marriages end in divorce, and 60% of 2nd marriages also end in divorce, I was curious to find out the reasons that are typically listed by couples when seeking an end to their union. 

Although there are many, a few of the more "popular" include; financial incompatibility, desertion, adultery, cruel treatment, marital satisfaction decreases, mental illness, alcohol or drug addiction, etc.

                                                                                                         *Karl Augustine -2004

Many people agree that the number one cause for divorce, that can result in a divorce for any of the reasons listed above, is selfishness

A few valuable quotations...

"There is nothing wrong with men and women doing things to please eachother, as long as it is done in a healthy manner and no one is being critisized in a hurtful way or having unrealistic expectations put on them."
                                                                                                              -Some guy

"I find it striking how many of [the reasons for divorce] fall under the category of fundamental incompatability in the relationship and or instability in the longevity in the relationship.  Perhaps the root of these problems might be a rush to get married, leading to such oversights as failure to find a fully compatible partner, failure to plan for the relationships longevity, failure to gain a full understanding of one's partner, etc.
Perhaps therefore, to avoid such pitfalls that might lead to a failed marriage, people should idealize marriage less, and focus more on finding and knowing a fully compatible partner better, and planning for their future together, then, perhaps, the marriage would be much less likely to end in divorce."

"There is no fairytale ending, no prince, or princess or white doves or castles.  It's a full time hard ass job on both sides.  Marriage is a partnership, friendship and committment that has nothing to do with sex.  It becomes a cooperation after time and is either in the Red or in the Black"
                                                                                                              -A very smart, or jaded man

 Good advice for anyone who is married or thinking of becoming married...

-Strive to serve eachother

-Build up eachothers egos and esteems daily

-Make peace with the fact that it ain't all about you

-Raising kids is hard work.  Get used to it.

-Forgive yourself and your spouse often.

-Examine Yourself first.

-Nothing replaces face time with your spouse and kids.

-Don't be a jerk, it only makes matters worse.

-Watch your mouth, you can't take it back.

-The office co-worker sure is sexy, but you can't have them.  You made a vow and have to have respect for your word and your spouse.

-Learn new phrases such as, "I was wrong" and "I am sorry"

-Never take sides with your parent over your spouse, but never let a wicked spouse turn you away from loved ones.

I hope that this is helpful.  If you have any thoughts, agreements or disagreements, I would love to hear them.  Please leave a comment below.  I appreciate your opinions!

Take it easy,
The Good Wife

Sep. 15th, 2011

man and woman

Modern Marriage

Dear Future Friends and Readers,

I will start off today with a short story. 

My husband and I went to a kareoke bar one evening with a couple of friends because I love to sing.  He and I were sitting at the bar chatting over our beers, obviously together.  Suddenly there was an arm around my shoulder and another gentleman was asking me "How you doin?"  I was called up to sing shortly which put an end to that quickly.  As the gentleman was quite intoxicated I didn't really respond to his attentions.  When I got back to my seat and began talking to my husband again I felt a pair of hands on my waist.  I didn't turn around, but took hold of both hands and removed them from my waist.  They returned.  I removed them.  Again they returned and I removed them. 
This time I turned around.  My husband was already telling this "gentleman" that I obviously didn't want him to touch me.  This man decided his fight was with my husband.  Although I had told him no, physically, at least 3 times he decided to speak to the man who I "belonged" to.  In my mind at the time this is incredibly rude and disrespectful.  He was touching my body, and didn't respect me as a human being enough to acknowledge that his problem was with ME and not my husband.  I proceeded to get in his face about it and kind of took over the whole conversation.

I enjoy fighting my own battles, but I think that in such a situation, in front of other men who obviously disrespect women, it seems that I am disrespecting my husband by being in his way while solving a problem.  I very much respect my husband. 
This leads me to my topic today.  I am trying to discover how to maintain that respect and how to allow one's husband to take responsibility or control of a situation as appropriate without feeling like we are giving up part of our freedom or equality. 

I feel as though most people may be familiar with the history of marriage in its essence, but I'll give a rundown.  Initially, women were considered
property of men and were passed from father to husband as a business agreement.  Women were, in these times, incapable of owning property, getting an education, entering into legal contracts or having marital, parental or religious rights.  

The patriarchal society was considered the norm and to be the natural way of things until tribes of people who operated on matriarchal views were discovered. 

With all of the history behind our
man-driven society, it may be difficult for women to define their modern gender role considering all of the changes that have occurred very quickly and quite recently.  Along with the rights to own property women received the ability to vote, hold public office, enter the workforce, be educated, serve in the military, be conscripted, enter into legal contracts, choose when to have children, choose their religion and choose their future partner. 
Understandably this
drastically changes the dynamic between men and women in a relationship or marriage.  Not only is a woman no longer expected to stay at home with the children and keep the house, she is no longer convinced that that is her life goal.  She also can choose not to have children or even marry if she so desires. 
The chart below is designed by Talcott Parsons.  This is a basic idea that displays previous gender roles in a male-dominant society with Model B showing gender roles where men and women have comopromised their stricter gender roles that put them on a more even field.  

Model B- Total role integration

Model A- Total role segretation
Education Gender-specific education; high professional qualification is important only for the man Co-educative schools, same content of classes for girls and boys, same qualification for men and women.
Profession The workplace is not the primary area of women; career and professional advancement is deemed unimportant for women For women, career is just as important as for men; equal professional opportunities for men and women are necessary.
Housework Housekeeping and child care are the primary functions of the woman; participation of the man in these functions is only partially wanted. All housework is done by both parties to the marriage in equal shares.
Decision making In case of conflict, man has the last say, for example in choosing the place to live, choice of school for children, buying decisions Neither partner dominates; solutions do not always follow the principle of finding a concerted decision; status quo is maintained if disagreement occurs.
Child care and education Woman takes care of the largest part of these functions; she educates children and cares for them in every way Man and woman share these functions equally.

In my mind, this chart represents the man/woman dynamic of marriage historically, and the modern dynamic we are approaching in marriage. 
However, it seems to me, that although we are equal and roles are becoming more integrated, there are vast differences in men and women that cause there to be a need for a bit of retained segregation. 

As a
strong woman of the 21st century, I want my career and I want my babies too.  I want to have a beautiful home and a fruitful professional life that is rewarding outside of the home.  I also want my husband to be a MAN.  I don't want to take away from his idea of what that is and if anything I want him to feel more like THE man. 

A personal goal of mine is to
support my husband publicly and allow him to stand up for me if he chooses.  He may feel as though that is his duty, and who am I to stop him? 

Does anyone out there go through a similar thought process?  Maybe you have already gone through this and come up with your own personal ways to accomplish a similar goal.  I would love to hear of some experiences, good or bad, with this particular issue.

As always, trying to be,
The Good Wife

Sep. 14th, 2011

man and woman


Dear Future Friends and Readers,

Today I made myself a weekly chore list.  These are all of the things that I could think of that need to be done around the house at least once a week to keep up.  So...since today is Wednesday I accomplished the first 3 days worth of duties.  These included but were not limited to....

*toilets (2)
*vacuuming downstairs
*wiping down all surfaces
*mopping kitchen
*cleaning upstairs bathroom
*vacuuming stairs
*cleaning the ferret cage 

This felt wonderful to accomplish and I think my husband will feel as though I am hearing what he is saying and trying to work towards a better middle ground. 
He is right, I haven't been keeping up in the house at all and I have to say having a daily list to cross off will keep me a little more on track without getting overwhelmed by all of the work to be done, which typically frightens me enough to sit in my chair and try to pretend the mess doesn't exist. 

Not sure if this idea will work for anyone else but I found it to be very helpful.  Does anyone have any ideas or things that they do that are helpful to keep them motivated to clean, or things they do regularily for their husbands or significant others that are sweet or thoughtful. 

Working towards,
The Good Wife

man and woman

Learning to "Wife"

Dear Future Friends and Readers,

I am starting a blog on learning to be a wife in the 21st century.  I believe that the dynamic between men and women has changed.  Because of this I feel the traditional idea of a wife should change as well, although there are important parts of the man/woman relationship that need to stay the same to make a marriage work. 
Thus far my experience of this is my own marriage.  My husband and I got married in August of 2010.  It has been just over 2 weeks since our one year anniversary.  So far it has been wonderful for sure, and if possible, I am more certain every day that I chose the right man for me.  We aren't the typical big strong man/ tiny submissive female couple.  I'm a thick girl with a thicker personality, and he's an average sized guy who is incredibly sweet.  He doesn't tell me when he's ticked off, and I'm not sure if he is afraid of my response or if he doesn't think it's worth bringing up.  Typically his argument is that I don't keep the house clean. 
I understand where he's coming from but I kind of wish he would make his expectations of me known so he doesn't have to be angry and I can actually live up to them.   
I am beginning to discover that in order for the romantic part of a relationship to thrive a man needs to be head of household.  With women being on nearly even ground with men these days, I find it hard to fit myself to the idea of being a little in the shadows when it comes to decisions.  What I am interested in knowing is how do you find the balance between the powerful woman of the 21st century...and the compromising wife?   
Something else that bothers me is something I saw on the Tyra Banks Show.  A woman was on who would 'type' you to see what kind of person you were in a relationship.  I took the quiz online (I know...unreliable) and it typed me as 'Ms. Mom'.  This woman takes care of her man before herself, and nurtures him as a mother.  One consequence of this type of dynamic can cause the woman to have less of a sexual desire for her man/husband.  I want to care for my husband as my husband.  I want him to feel like a man with power over his own life. 
If you would like to find out what type you are the quiz can be located at this address... http://tyrashow.warnerbros.com/fun/quiz/041509/index.php
My goal for the week is to find out how to start taking care of myself and allowing my husband to care of himself, while still fulfilling wifely duties.  I feel like the cleaning of the house has less to do with the man/woman roles in a relationship than it does with my husband needing me to contribute to our household more.  I am going to make a list of cleaning projects and how often I will do them and make it my personal goal to fulfill my list. 
If you have questions or opinions please don't hold back.  The point of this is to seek and discover.
Trying to be,
"The Good Wife"